Monday, April 4, 2016
//personal 1: morning-time
Everyday, I wake up and think of Headcold. Admittedly, the band’s not often my first thought of the day; I’d be lying if I said there haven’t been a few days where they were, however. Context: it’s just past 10 in the morning, and I miss my friends. This thought keeps me up in the morning, often. See, I’ve been homeless for the past two months. Before that, I was held in a reclusive state at a small home I was paying rent for in Little Rock. Before that, I had a job at Guitar Center. So... I feel like I haven’t seen my friends in ages. Mostly, due to... the way life has been lately, I haven't seen anyone, really. I’m quite lonely now. Go back a year or so... Kyle and I spent every lunch together, most-of-the-time eating La Huerta. I'd spend ungodly amounts of time at the headcold house working on some crazy nouns shit. I'd be back at my old home on Tyler St, sitting in the carport with Peepaw, discussing the clear superiority Toyota has over its competitors. If Mac was home, it was talking shop for us, which was brainstorming ideas to encourage and expand creativity, or discussing philosophy (which I would never admit so outwardly usually, as I do not want to seem "stereotypical" to my peers.) Andy and I would have been working on Were's Baphomist LP... or watching TV together, which was an everyday-thing for quite some time.
The time I spent living at Tyler St, after Kyle and Peepaw moved in, and before Andy moved out... That was the happiest I've ever been in my life. I remember waking up one day, and thinking: fuck, I'm not sad. Everyday was a good day, for a while. I won't soon forget that. I didn't ever stop to think of how I would cope with those days' end. I didn't think that life could become so different following Andy's departure from Tyler St. It was always apparent to me that being without Andy would leave me feeling empty. It's been a whole year now, I believe.
I’m currently in Hot Springs, AR, taking care of my puppy, Sol. He’s become ill with parvovirus. I do hope he makes it. He’s dreaming right now– legs outward– next to his mother. Other than the parvovirus thing, the homeless thing, etc etc… Seems my granddad is now in a late stage of pancreatic cancer. As if it just popped out of nowhere. Before that, I found out that my best friend Nubbs has heart murmurs. Shit is piling up. I'm trying to be there for those suffering.
I just missed Mac’s wedding, as while I am taking care of my parvo-pup, I seem to be quite-fucking-ill with some sort of diarrhea-thing. Any illness that fits the description will do. Needless to say, I look like shit right now... and I feel even worse, for missing out on something I was so excited for– and for so long. It's a wonder my mind is not beginning to cave in on itself. I feel alone. Excluded by circumstance. This eats at my mind most of the time, despite the ever-growing need for my mind to be in this physical-now-yes-this-is-currently-happening. It’s selfish of me to dream of other places to be, isn’t it? I doubt I will ever lose my selfish chord.
I feel now like a failure, and yet like I am filled with many different duties to my family, and my pups. I miss my friends, though. I am quite lonely. I could say it over and over, again. I don’t believe that would change much though. The third nouns LP is still underway. More on that another time.
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